Me, In Real Life

It starts in the bathroom, as with so many other things. A clearing of sorts. Towels pulled from racks and placed out of frame. Clothing hung from hangers. A last second choice that amuses. Another outfit pulled from a rack and brought in the room.

The next steps are careful, almost reverent. A folded up hadatai is removed from its box. A mask as well. Movements are swift but smooth. Regular clothes are stripped away, almost down to bare skin. A singular piece of shapewear, a binder or sometimes a sports bra, is pulled over the chest to smooth out curves. But sometimes there is nothing between the real skin and the second skin. The ritual starts at the head. The hood section is pulled over and arranged to cover everything except the eyes. Nose and mouth disappear under fabric. Then comes the awareness of breath. Its warmth. Its rhythm. It will be a constant companion, a reminder of the real self.

Then the arms slip in, all the way to the fingertips. Once the arms are covered, the transformation really begins. It is all the eyes see now. Fabric skin. Fabric arms. Fabric hands. This hadatai has a crotch zipper, not a back zipper. So the feet must be enclosed now. It is, at times, a struggle. Sitting on the cold floor of a bathroom, contorting to fit. One foot. The other. Then fabric fingers clumsily pinch at the zipper pull. One hand stretches the hadatai while the other drags the zipper along its path. One side up to the crotch. The other side, with its own pull. The tiny, dangling pulls meet at the middle. Body fully enclosed now.

Now the dress-up begins. Pants, shirt, clumsily knotting a tie around the neck, all alone, all with dulled sense of touch through spandex-covered fingers. Done.

Finally. Finally. The mask. The bangs are removed. They’re magnetic. They hide the hinge of the mask. Unclasping the sides. With this style of mask, it feels less like putting it on, and more like shutting one’s head inside. Blindness, but not darkness. Adjust the fit until line of sight is met, through the eyebrow slits of the mask. It is barely enough to see. No peripheral vision. Like blinders, vision is forced to see just what is directly in front. The bangs go back on the mask.

Breathing.

The camera is finicky with fabric fingers. But video makes it easier to get decent shots later. There’s also a mirror, and peeking at it reveals an anime character, that moves as you do. It’s always surprising, no matter how often this happens. The first look in the mirror will always surprise and amuse and thrill. And the temptation is there, to challenge how long to exist as this. It’s a wish. It’s a promise. It’s a bond.

It’s a bond.

Eventually, always too soon, the ritual begins again, in reverse. Mask is taken off, and then scrutinized. A custom piece of wearable art. It demands upkeep. Flyaway strands of the wig require reshaping. That will happen later. Again, the promise. Clothing is removes and arranged back on their hangers and in their place on the rack. The hadatai is removed, carefully, ever so carefully. Fingertips are checked for dinginess or damage. It’s probably time for a wash.

All is cleared up, as if it were never there in the first place.

But yes, there’s video. There’s proof of existence, even if no one else is around when it happens.

I was there.

I know it’s nothing but armchair diagnosis and I’ve been known to attach myself to certain labels that are trendy in the past, but I keep seeing things on social media that suggest that all the strange things my brain does are probably the result of some sort of neurodivergence? I don’t know. I’ve taken these are you autistic online tests along with ADHD tests and I never come out of them feeling like I belong to those groups either. But there are posts about how songs get stuck in people’s heads for weeks and that’s a sign of ADHD or whatever. And while I’d like to see a reason why I’m Like This, I don’t know if knowing the reason will do anything for me anyway? Because I’ve survived with my brain for 50+ years now and while it’s been a struggle most of the time, now I think I’ve aged out of caring about how people perceive me?

I bolted myself to the “introvert” banner for so long, and now it seems like my hate for social interaction, for small talk, for freaking out when spoken to and not knowing what to say, for not even wanting to talk in the first place, that awkwardness, it could all just be the ’tism? And that because women are often not diagnosed while still girls, we grew up having to mask and pretend to be “normal” and struggle to be like everyone else.

I’ve seen it suggested that a high percentage of kigus are autistic. And I don’t exactly know the reason for that. Maybe it’s because there are set rules for interacting with kigs and also acting as a kig and that’s comforting. Or maybe, as in my case, it’s the old reliable “well I cannot human today…time to be plastic” thought. Which I will admit to daydreaming about when things get too stressful at work. I just imaging my little kig guy dealing with the same issues and I feel better, somehow. Like seeing things happening from a different perspective helps. Again, not sure why.

Can one have just the slightest tendencies to ADHD? Or are ADHD behaviors just more common among the general population? Because I don’t like what the testing says but the memes sure speak to me.

I did something at work last night that i had intended to do for a while but I finally had time for it. I filled out compliment cards for my closing crew guys, who do the hard job of shutting it all down while I’m stuck in the office doing the admin/inventory things I have to do instead of being at the front of house. I don’t prefer one over the other. i just became the default person for computer stuff because I’m familiar enough with Excel and am not afraid to break it sometimes in order to force it to do what I want it to do. Everyone else is either older or younger than me, but it seems like my GenX knowledge of all things technical is worth something. But yes, I really wanted to give a shout out to my guys because they are the best.

Also I’m struggling a little with finding the perfect hole-in-the-wall Korean spot ever since my favorite one closed, as the owner wanted to retire. There’s another restaurant opening in the same spot eventually, but I know it won’t be the same. I don’t know how the restaurant managed to have both quality and value in their menu, but I wonder if something went wrong with this so that necessitated the closure? I don’t know. I just find everything so expensive now. Dining out is one of my great pleasures in life and when COVID hit and everything shut down, I felt like a big part of me shut down with it. I was happy that all of my favorite places survived the pandemic, though. But it seems like I can’t find a replacement, or some savvy folks are gatekeeping the best one from me. I might have to start deciding whether to begin making kalbi for myself. I mean, there is an H Mart relatively close by now.

I always look forward to my weekend because I can finally catch up on television that I’ve missed out on by not watching it throughout the week. Honestly, since I close most of the time, I spend my mornings sleeping in so I don’t really have time to catch up on shows, so I use my weekend for that. However, I have such a terrible memory sometimes that I don’t even remember what I’m supposed to be watching. It took me weeks to recall that I still hadn’t finished the Chihayafuru live-action sequel (Full Circle).

I used to be able to keep track of these things by writing up short reactions to what i watched, but now sometimes I can’t even muster that much energy to do so. But since I’m going back to blogging daily, maybe I’ll go back to that too. Anyway, here’s a rundown of what I’ve been watching lately:

Chihayafuru: Full Circle – More karuta shenanigans, this time in live action.

My Adventures with Superman – This might be my favorite iteration of the Clark/Lois relationship?

Nippon Sengoku – really striking and eyecatching designs and i love this take on an alternate Japan future that mirrors the earlier Sengoku era, for all my Shogun/Game of Thrones/Legend of Galactic Heroes feels

I would like to start Silo and Ted Lasso this weekend as well. We’ll see how taht goes, particularly since Genshin Impact is launching version 7.0 soon as well, so I will also be attempting to get through all that new content. Luckily I have a PS Portal so I can watching things on the big tv while gaming on the Portal. One of the best things I’ve ever bought tbh.

I’ve been dropping in and out of the Green Day livestreaming Youtube channel just to get a little pick me up from my favorite band. Lots of deep cuts and rare performances available on it, which has been extremely entertaining. I keep thinking how young they all look sometimes, but, boy, we were ALL young and stupid back then!

The live chat is also entertaining to watch. Of course you have the folks who will claim that Green Day is no longer punk, whatever that means, or the ones who claim that they never were punk. I honestly don’t think that punk is a label one chooses for oneself. It’s bestowed upon you by others, and afterwards, you are able to claim punk. And I still think Green Day is punk, stylistically. Billie Joe has obviously pushed the style of the band in different directions, according to whatever songs are bouncing around in his head. I’m constantly fascinated by the many side projects he’s had a hand in. Pinhead Gunpowder. Foxboro Hot Tubs. The Longshot. And even (The Network). It’s a testament to his creativity that he can eagerly collab with other artists to create something completely new. I’m in awe with how much the man loves music.

I’m also amused when GD fans are Kerplunk truthers. I mean, when they claim that Kerplunk was the only good album Green Day ever did and the rest of it, all 30+ years of it, is all trash because of selling out. Their entitled to their opinion, of course, but it’s a totally wrong opinion. The best bands don’t sell out. They influence the mainstream and reshape it so it becomes more and more like them, until they become the establishment.

But in the end, they’re still 3 friends who have been making music forever and will hopefully keep making music forever and I will still enjoy the fuck out of it and sometimes even still cosplay a silly little guy named Billie.

I’ve been more active on Threads lately, and I’m kind of surprised with that. At least the FYP isn’t quite as cringy as it was when I first checked Threads out when it launched. The algorithm seems to be a bit better at taking cues from the accounts I’m already following and then pops up accounts that are similar, which is what it’s supposed to be doing. There’s still some posts made in bad faith, though. Engagement bait posted for you to get mad at, and I think a healthy sense of skepticism is needed to navigate there otherwise I’d just get angry at everything and that’s not healthy at all.

I also know I should probably spend less time on social media, however a lot of questions posted on Threads seem to be made in good faith and if I’m able to offer my expertise to answer a question, then I’ll reply to someone’s Threads post.

A few random thoughts today:

• plushie hugs are best hugs
• sometimes all you need to make your summer day better is a sip of your favorite beverage
• ditto salt and vinegar chips
• Green Day TV is probably going to be my go-to channel for whenever i feel like i wanna watch something but don’t know what to watch

One thing that I will always end up doing is eating something right out of the fridge. I know it’s not the healthiest habit, but I like opening the door, grabbing a piece of fruit, and then eating said fruit over the sink because they’re just that juicy and I really don’t want to make a mess. I really just want to try all the different types of stone fruit available during the summer before they dissappear for another year. They might be my favorite type of fruit. I like a crisp apple, but there’s something about sinking your teeth into a sweet plumcot and then having the juice run down your chin and into your palm that’s just magical.

I also like to eat ice cream right out of the pint. I think this works as portion control because I’m only able to take a few spoonfuls out at a time. Still working through my collection of ice cream I got when work had all frozen desserts for 50% off. There’s only been one proper heat wave since I bought my frozen treats, so I still have a ways to go I think. So far, I think my favorite is still coffee ice cream. It reminds me of a coffee flavored candy I used to get at the drugstore long ago, sort of caramel-y but the taste was that of a very milky, sweet coffee. They were called Nips and were among my fave candies growing up.

I used to eat these things two or three at a time, and this was how I wanted coffee to taste for me ever since.

I still have an orange dreamcicle ice cream pint in the freezer, along with a pine of Americone Dream (of course).

My day has been extremely strange. Got up a bit early to catch a morning matinee showing of Spider-man Brand New Day, which was pretty dang great. I love Peter’s relationship with Frank Castle AKA The Punisher. I love that the stakes aren’t entirely huge for our Friendly Neighborhood Spider-man. I love Tom & Zendaya’s chemistry on-screen, no matter how strained Peter & MJ’s feelings for each other are. I love that this story keeps moving Peter’s story forward in his hero’s journey.

I had booked tickets through Cinemark (since they’re consistently the cheapest theater around here, particularly on Tuesdays). They had previously offered me a 20% off code to spend on pre-ordering food when I got tix for Disclosure Day. So I redeemed the code and ordered a tub of popcorn and a large Icee and both were waiting for me by the time I arrived at the theater. No muss, no fuss. I might do it again so I could skip the line.

About halfway through the film I started feeling a little “off”. And then during a climactic scene I had a sudden wave of vertigo during which I had to close my eyes (and miss something very important alas!) Went to the restroom to splash a bit of cold water on my face and that seemed to help a little. I think my days of too little sleep during the heatwave have caught up with me and my body is struggling with it.

Got home, ate lunch and then settled in for some gaming, even though I’m just playing Genshin Impact to get enough primogems to get ready for the new version to drop next week. I’m trying to complete story quests of the characters I don’t really care for haha. I’ve sort of rushed through the game to catch up since i only just started playing last year and I skipped a lot of the quests just to continue on through the main story and keep current. I feel pretty confident in my teams though.

Also I made beef stew in the instant pot. First time doing so, and I immediately knew what sort of tweaks I’d do if I made it again. Though I think I might toss in a few cubes of curry roux because that makes everything better.

I was again pondering my dumb cosplay life because I randomly checked Dokidoki for the first time in months and I noticed that they’re polling for whether or not to make a Bennett (from Genshin Impact) cosplay and I of course put in my $5 to show my interest, which means i guess that Bennett is probably going to be my next kigu mask

maybe

Ugh I don’t even have anywhere to show him off yet ah well. I sort of wanted to make a female kig character but maybe I’m stuck with the guys for now lmao

I keep thinking how ridiculous this all is but it makes me So Damn Happy just to think about cosplaying as these guys, that I embody these characters in the physical world and they don’t even exist if I don’t lend them my body. I mean, the whole point of kig is to completely disappear into the character, and I really love that. As a person who has very complicated thoughts about my own identity and who I am. I often wanted to disappear and not be myself. Not being able to live up to my mom’s expectations of what she wanted a daughter to be. She miscarried before and after me, so I should’ve been the middle child. And yet I turned out to be the only one, so she put on a bunch of expecations on me because I was the one who survived.

She wanted me to be perfect. And I was never that. I loved TV and books and she was proud because I was so smart. Really though, I only enjoyed amassing facts in my silly brain and thinking if I could just be like the characters I saw on TV, maybe I could escape my present life. I hated to pressure to be perfect, to get good grades, that anything less than an A+ was extreme failure.

I remember the first time I wanted to be an anime character, to escape into a world that was better than the one I was living in, where I had presence and control. I used to watch Star Blazers as a child. I wanted to be a part of the Star Force so badly. I squeezed myself into a too small pajama set because it was white, like the uniforms on that show. I crudely tried to replicate the colored striping of those uniforms. And I even started flapping my mouth like an anime character, crudely opening and closing my lips to mimic the characters I so evied on TV. They had adventures and were heroes and were trying to save the Earth. I was probably 7 or 8, and all I wanted was to escape somewhere that wasn’t my home.

I think that was the first time I wanted to “be anime”. But it wasn’t the last, obviously. But I would escape into my imagination. I created whole worlds for my characters to explore, crude approximations of the TV shows and movies I loved. I didn’t even know what fanfic was yet. But I was creating it. In my head. Mary Sues who were just as capable as the characters I saw on TV, but they were better because I made them and that was how I would create such a character who would exist in those worlds.

I did online roleplaying for a long time. And now I do another type of roleplay I guess. It’s come full circle, from the little kid who would pretend to be Derek Wildstar, to the person who pretends to be all these characters now.

Been thinking about cooking lately, and about how I’m able to just put together something edible from things that are already on the fridge and the pantry. It’s still pretty impressive. I grew up as a McDonald’s kid and scoffed at my parents’ attempts to teach me to cook. I was kind of terrified of the burner anyway and my parents’ overprotectiveness (I was the only child after all) didn’t help matters. So they left me to not learn the recipes that I ate sometimes anyway. Which means that now, as an adult, I’m trying to (re)learn how to cook proper Filipino food. I’m already a pro at making adobo, and I use a bit more vinegar than I think is normal because I like things sour. I’ve made pancit, and I want to make sinigang, though my experience with the sour soup is mostly from fish, and I haven’t cooked with fish a lot.

When I talk to my mom she’s beyond surprised that I can cook. Just another thing she’d been dissappointed in I guess.

I do like the alchemy that is a home cooked meal. I really enjoyed watching Good Eats when I was younger, and Alton Brown getting into the science of why we do the things we do when cooking was fascinating to me. I still carry a lot of those lessons with me when I’m in the kitchen. And thanks to the Internet, there’s a lot of inspiration to look at for meal planning. I also have a necent collection of cookbooks (because I keep asking for them as gifts for whatever occassions). I like flipping through them and bookmarking the ones that I want to attempt.

I don’t even consider myself a good cook; I just am able to make things that are edible, even if I struggle sometimes with figuring that stuff out. Also struggle meals are a thing and yes there are times when I just have enough spoons to spread some butter and/or jam on some bread and eat that. I’m trying to eat healthier. As I enter the 5th decade of my life, I’ve been trying to buy more fruits and veggies and less junk, but it’s hard when even the government wants a lot of us to just die. I want to have a long, fulfilling life. I have things I’ve never done taht I want to do. Travel. New cosplays. But it’s interesting how something as fundamental as eating can impact your health positively or negatively. I eat junk because of the dopamine hit, because everything in the world is just so awful and the only thing i can control is myself. And I want the dopamine hit.

I’ve had enough health scares over the past couple of years that I should be eating healthier, and I’m trying to take small steps in that direction. I just hope I love long enough to survive this current political climate.