Me, In Real Life

I always look forward to inventory nights at work, just because it’s a break from the same-old, same-old routines that one falls into as a grocery store closer. I even learned a bit more about doing the inventory process for our department too. And my team leader wants me to learn even more about it for next month’s inventory. But i don’t know if that’s viable, considering I’m taking some time off at the end of Aug & beginning of September so I might not even be around for inventory next month

but this vacation is sorely needed because it’ll be my most substantial time off until next year. In fact, I kind of want to plan next year to take even more time off. There are a lot of things I want to do and events happening back to back that I want to attend. Things is, I can only take 3 weeks off on my normal PTO. Otherwise, I need to put in for a longer leave of absence.

I want to do something over Labor Day weekend. I’d wanted to go to SacAnime and formally debut my Nagisa kigu cosplay at a con, but also J has thing off-road event he wants to go to, and I want to go to it as well. Which means I can’t really kig. (Or can I?) But packing space is at a premium and my kigu stuff just takes up so much room but having a kigu go camping (or anything outdoors really) is kind of a dream of mine because I don’t really travel to places often. But i know that it’s still very very weird to do, so I will most likely not do that.

Oh well, someday I will be Nagisa at some anime con somewhere and have an awesome time. But it won’t be outdoors someone in the extreme north of California.

Some random thoughts:

• I watched an anime called Eren the Southpaw, which I *thought* was about a handful of high schoolers who were really into art and how they influence each other to be better, but what I got was some uneven weirdness about how this girl named Eren became kind of a muse to various people. And then there’s some sidetracking to an ad agency. And then also fashion models. And the message became kind of muddled. And I really didn’t care for any of the characters except for Eren, and she doesn’t show up in like…half the episodes. It was a fail, and my first 2/5 rated anime in a very long time. Oh well. I immediately followed it up with the new season of Reborn as a Vending Machine because I needed that level of ridiculousness after all the blandness
• i’m still playing Genshin Impact and trying to level up my Sandrone and Ineffa. I want to level up my Columbina as well. But it’s all just wheel-spinning as I wait for version 7 to drop.
• I’ve also been trying to eat a little healthier, because my cholesterol is a bit too high for my doctor’s liking. I’ve started playing around with oatmeal breakfasts, but i really want to figure out how to make the oatmeal extra creamy. Like i really want to have it porridge style.

I’ve been wearing my new glasses for a couple of days now and I think I’ve finally gotten through the worst of the dizziness. It’s not nearly as bad as when I first got fitted for progressives and I had to be careful about how fast I was turning my head. I really do like the design of my new frames. They’re Gucci (so I had to pay a premium for them). However, I paid with my FSA money, which means that technically my health insurance paid for them. I’m learning to take advantage of every perk my insurance offers. I’ve also been able to get massage devices to help with my leg and back.

i just have to come to terms with the fact that i’m past 50, which means that most of my life is now behind me. It’s an interesting feeling. I keep thinking that my life, my true life, has only just begun. My attitude towards everything has changed over the past few years. I don’t really give a fuck what others think, now. I wonder if that’s due to age and experience. Worrying about one’s reputation is a losing game. There will always be haters no matter what you do, and I had to untangle my people-pleasing personality over the decades. I still think I try to people please, but I’m attempting to not lose sleep over the things i don’t have any control over.

Honestly, why worry if you don’t have the power to change certain things?

I stayed up late last night trying to eke out some time out of a busy day to pull on all the kigurumi gear and do a video. I decided that I should start using the full hadatai instead of just the torso one, and even though it takes a bit longer for me to zip myself into it and even though it’s a little hotter, I think I’m okay with the overheating issue, mostly. I spend a lot of my day in front of a hot pizza oven, so I think I’ve built up a tolerance for heat. It’s still uncomfortable, but I haven’t gotten dizzy or nauseous from it. yet.

Also I did get a migraine aura about a couple of hours before I had planned to kig, but i think putting on the blorbo suit actually helped me feel better and fight off the general badness i feel during a migraine attack. Though, over the past decade or so, my migraines have gotten less frequent and less intense. It’s as if they’re giving me a respite as a reward for making it to menopause (but then my lower back decided to herniate itself this year so…trade-offs). The headache wasn’t bad enough for me to get into bed, and I managed to take video for nearly a half an hour in the cosplay.

I still really love becoming Anime Boi. It’s one of my life’s greatest pleasures right now, though I guess it’s a commentary on how desperate I am to excape my mundane life and this ridiculous current America that I’m forced to exist in. As a POC, I worry that I won’t survive this current administration, but I damn well will exist in it as an anime boi sometimes just so i can feel something other than despair. Overdramatic? Sure. Cringe? Definitely. Free? You bet.

And who am I doing it for? Myself, mostly. I’m still surprised and amazed that some other folks enjoy pictures of me in my dumb blorbo suits. It’s kind of like the icing on the cake. At this rate, I don’t know if I want to be a part of the community at large. They all seem at least a generation or 2 younger than me, and I don’t put out my actual age unless someone specifically asks. And again, I’m coy about it. I’ve given the “I’m only a few years younger than Green Day” answer multiple times and that seems to surprise people. Whatever.

I know there will come a day when I won’t be able to do such things anymore, so I’m trying to enjoy myself as much as I can. I think the back thing was a wake-up call, along with the infection scare/hospital stay I had last year. I’m taking time to be selfish, after so many years of being the dutiful, obedient daughter. It’s fucking fantastic.

It’s been a tough slog through this workweek because a couple of people have been on vacation for the past couple of weeks. At least the missing people will be back next week, so things will be back to. normal for a bit. But I’m losing a couple of people thanks to school starting up again so they’re dropping to part time instead of full time and it’s a whole thing.

Also I’m going on vacation during the first week of September. I really want to go to SacAnime but I’m still not 100% certain I’d be able to go. I have the tickets and a hotel room set up, and dammit I really want to bring my Nagisa kigu for a formal debut at a con. But who knows at this point? Well, there’s still a month to ponder things, and I still haven’t told J that I wanted to go.

But travel still makes me anxious, even though it’s less than 2 hours drive away. I’d also want to go to other places as well, but it’s difficult because this os going to be Labor Day Weekend and a lot of places will be crowded and hotel rooms will be pricy. I should’ve planned everything sooner but i was so focused on trying to heal my back, I hadn’t pondering anything for when my back actually got better.

But like I said, I still have a month.

I’m just looking forward to not going to work for a while. Hopefully the place won’t fall apart without me.

I was given a task at work today, which I guess only I’m able to do because, as a former office worker and a Gen X-er, I have just enough Excel knowledge to get myself into tons of trouble while using it. The store’s inventory is next week (as it is every end of the month) so the inventory sheets needed to be updated. They haven’t been updated in a good number of years, and there are items on the list that we’ve not sold in years. So, enter me, my serviceable Excel skills, and the fact that I don’t mind working at a computer for long periods of time because I’d done so in a previous lifetime job. I must’ve been on the computer for nearly my entire shift. it was a nice change of pace from having to deal with customers all day, and I felt very accomplished by the end of it. At least, I hope everyone’s happy that I updated everything

Other random thoughts:

• my prescription sunglasses from Zenni Optical arrived in the mail, and I’m looking forward to using them. I haven’t had a proper pair of sunglasses in years.
• My new hadatai also arrived and I tried it out. I’m at this point, just collecting them now, in the event of some catastrophe, I will still be able to dress up in my kigurumi best. It was an off-the-rack suit, pre-made, not custom. And it doesn’t fit perfectly, but I think it will be useable in a pinch, at long as I’m wearing clothes. The torso is just a little too long and loose. I know you’re meant to have a custom suit made to your exact measurements (and I have). I was just curious to see how well a premade one would fit. And…it’s still not bad
• It is finally my Friday. My weekend will be filled with catching up on anime movies. The Zombie Land Saga movie and the Assassination Classroom movie, along with the Demon Slayer Infinity Castle movie. I’m going to weeb out.
• all the SDCC news is making me excited, even the Marvel stuff.

Work was kind of a shitshow today (for some reason a lot of customers were being extra ornery) so I made myself a root beer float just so i could enjoy something that i made without anyone else judging how I made the thing that they ordered.

It’s just frustrating sometimes when you repeat an order back to the customer, they say “yes that’s what I ordered” and when they pick it up, they’re wondering why the order is missing a thing that they never said they wanted in the first place? Listen, this is why I always repeat an order back to the customer. So that they can listen to what I say and then correct it if I say the wrong thing. But I have a feeling that some people have selective hearing when they interact with someone in the service industry, so that when we get something “wrong”, they get to have a free meal. And the industry is tailored towards helping those people. I don’t like to dwell on these negative interactions very much, because if I did, I would never crawl myself out of that negative spiral. But sometimes putting stuff like this down is helpful. And reminds me how to be a good customer. The best customer. Ever. I should get an award for all the good customer interactions I have. hah. No.

I just know this person went to the customer service booth to complain about me. Joke’s on them, though. All the Customer Service folks know and love me. So any customer going to the booth to talk shit about me will not be taken seriously. I’m also very protective of the crew I supervise. It’s just the way I am. My crew all work damn hard and I won’t tolerate anything negative said about them.

But even the worst workdays and I’m able to come home to relax. And then post it on my blog like it’s 2006. Heh.

Thinking about my kigurumi obsession again, and how much it’s anchored in my own struggles with identity. Who am I? And who should I be to others in the world? Like, almost no one in my real life circles knows that I like to pull on a body suit and a plastic mask and cosplay as an anime character, of the opposite gender as my real self. And when I present my kigurumi self to the world, they’re (probably) not aware of my real life self either. I like to keep the two separate. I imagine it will become more difficult to do this if/when I go to more public events, but i’ve never been interested in doing a face reveal on my kigu social accounts. Anyway, anyone with a modicum of detective ability should be able to connect the dots and find out what I actually look like.

But that’s neither here nor there, I guess. I mean, I do have this nagging feeling at the back of my mind that someone somewhere might be angry that I’d presented a version of myself to the world that doesn’t match my real identity. It’s a weird thing to worry about, i guess.

But dammit when I pull on the blorbo suit and see this guy in the mirror and in the photos it gives me a bit of a thrill. More than a bit, actually. It just amuses me that identity and gender can be upended so easily. And I hope it doesn’t come off as deceptive. I don’t want to come accross as that. I want to hink that anyone who has enjoyed my weirdo cosplay wants to share in the pretending.

Where am I going with this? Not sure, really. I just know that pulling on all the kigu gear gets me close to the anime figure I’d wanted to see myself as. And it’s fun. In the same way regular cosplay is fun, but to actually disappear behind the mask so no part of my real life self is visible is such a remarkable, life-changing thing. It’s the death of the self, in service to the creation of a new entity. I’m getting philosophical. I shouldn’t. But I guess that it’s late so my brain is pondering weird thoughts. Ah well.

Hello, blog.

I’m attempting to update a lot more often, because I already have WP installed and this thing has been sitting there unused. I used to update my LiveJournal pretty often, and I often go back and read through those entries. It’s just nice to have a chronicle of one’s life that I can look back on, and see how much I’ve changed, along with how much I’ve stayed the same.

Since payday is on Friday, I decided to treat myself a little by doing some less-than-smart purchases on the internet. I bought a new hadatai (kigurumi bodysuit). I got curious about a pre-made one that my preferred hada maker offers, so I got a small, along with some…fake boobs.

Ah yes, I have finally decided that my next kigu (if there is a next kigu) will be a female character. And because my own cleavage isn’t ample (and because the hada will flatten me a bit anyway), I decided that there shall be boob pockets. Get excited.

Though I still haven’t decided on who this character will be yet. I’m leaning towards someone from Genshin Impact. Hrm…indeed.

But I also bought a new portable fan to keep me cool during the rest of the summer. I don’t feel like the SF Bay Area has had its intense heat wave yet. That usually comes in August or September. But I want to be ready for it, so now I have a small neck fan.

Also since SDCC is this week, I’m eying some of the stuff that Mattel is offering for sale during the con. Specifically, I want to get this set from KPop Demon Hunters, of Huntrix slurping down ramyun. The drop is tomorrow morning, but I don’t know how exclusive it will be. I’ll just have to get on the site at 9am and see how long it will take me to secure the bag.

Oh and I also ordered a new pair of prescription sunglasses, along with contacts, but since I have a Health Spending Account, this didn’t actually cost me anything. I’m just happy that I’ll be able to see better than my vision right now.

So now I need to ready my Mattel account for tomorrow morning.

Within the past few weeks, I’ve heard very bad news about a couple of friends I know/knew. Both with cancer. One had passed on. The other is in the midst of yet another round of chemo but the cancer has upended their life to the point that it all just seems Sisyphean in the end. One step forward, two steps back.

I’ve read the remembrances of the first friend on the socials. I struggled with my own. I didn’t know this first person super, SUPER well. We just met up yearly at a con, that’s it. But they were clever and kind, and larger than life in more ways than one. A person I would’ve been proud to have called a friend, if that’s what they’d consider of me as well. I don’t know. I’ll never know. I just know that I didn’t realize this last con would be the last time I’d see them. And now they are gone, and all I feel is that void that people leave when they die. That there’s something in my personal world that’s missing, that’s lessened. And everyone else who knew this person, I can see the loss in the way they interact with me.

Anyway the latter is still around, but I honestly don’t know what to do or say to this person, or if they even remember who I was. We had run through the same online RPG circles back in the day, when HP was all the rage and JKR wasn’t outed as a huge transphobe. We had fun together and eventually real life meant I didn’t have time to RP much anymore, and my connection to this person weakened. I still follow their socials, which is how I know about the cancer and the struggling and I feel a little guilty about not knowing what to do. But then, what can be done? I don’t live close enough to help physically. I just remember how much fun we had for those few years we knew each other, and now that’s all in the past. And those interactions really affected and influenced me to being a better person overall. To work with others, to take a compliment, to leave them regularly, and it all gave me a sense of self and accomplishment that I hadn’t felt before.

But now that’s all the past, and well, 20 years later, what’s left? Except a few pithy words on a comments page? A like? A heart? A hug emoji? It all feels performative and not enough. But this person is still here. I just don’t know what to do about it. And I feel selfish and wrong and helpless.

It was another oddly humid day in the Bay Area, but J had prepped the house to hopefully keep cooler by opening the windows at night and shutting them during the day. He also drug the portable AC unit out of the garage and set it up in the hallway, and then stuck a fan in front of it so it could carry the cooler air into our bedroom, where we had sequestered ourselves because it’s where our entertainment stuff is: his gaming PC, my PS5 and our big TV. I spent some of this afternoon building up my Ineffa in Genshin Impact. I main Chasca (because I am a weirdo and I like how efficient her playstyle is. I saw that Ineffa was suggested as working well with a Chasca team so I decided I should get my little robo maid to 90. Still working through that, however.

I also started watching the last season of The Bear, which continues to be a fascinating look at some broken people who decide to try to fix themselves (maybe) by running a restaurant together. But it looks like the resstaurant is on its last legs if Uncle Jimmy can’t figure out how to sell the property. Anyway, again, it reminds me a bit too much of my real life work at the high-end grocery store which will not be named. So I can only watch a few episodes at a time. The fact that this season is all one evening, however, feels like the anxiety is slowly ramping up. I got through a few episodes, and they’re just about to open the house. Knowing how many nights I’ve had to close at work with not enough people on my team, I can’t really handle seeing another version of that anxiety for too long.

I’ll finish it up, eventually, though.

I also caught up with My Adventures with Superman. I delight in the whole anime-ness of it all, and dang it Jack Quaid as Clark is as perfect a casting choice as I can think of. He’s just so…dang…nice lol

I also took a couple of hours to unfuck some of my paid webhosting stuff, reminding myself that I have a blog I should use more often, and also setting up the SSL for my domains. I can’t run a website without having it secure. Webhost stuff is always a struggle for me, but I think I’ve figured out most of it, so far.

Dinner was leftover pancit, which I’d finally learned how to make after years of thinking that I should learn how to make it. I added the other half of the cabbage i thought I didn’t initially need because the recipe I used only called for half of one, but I like my pancit with lots of veggies anyway.

Tomorrow starts another workweek, and I think we’re still understaffed because someone is still on vacation, but at least busy workdays go by fast.