Me, In Real Life

a little over 2 weeks ago, i was suffering from a ridiculously high fever (103) and swollen lymph nodes on the right side of my neck. I had experienced this sort of thing before. Sometimes my saliva glands got infected, and sometimes that made my lymph nodes swell and ache, but i was usually able to ride out the infection without medical intervention, and it was fine.

Until this time, when it wasn’t.

I had picked up that my body was suffering on a Friday night. Saturday morning, i was supposed to go to work on an earlier shift than normal. I got through about half of it before telling my manager that I was not feeling great and I wanted to go home. My manager, being awesome, said that I could take Sunday and Monday off, get through my usual off days of Tuesday/Wednesday, and then hopefully come back for my regular shift week.

Honestly, i never made it.

By Tuesday morning I felt awful. Nothing I was doing made me better, and I asked J. to take me to the Urgent Care Center in town.

The Urgent Care folks took one look at me, and said that I should go to the ER. This was beyond the scope of what they could deal with. As it wasn’t COVID, the flu, a cold, or some simple infection. It was serious. And cue me being panicky and anxious because, I DON’T THINK I COULD AFFORD GOING TO THE HOSPITAL

But I went to the ER. Got blood drawn to figure out the infection. They could not figure it out in the ER so they had to admit me.

Wednesday was a bit of a blur as I was poked and prodded while the doctors and nurses tried to figure out the best solution to my problem. They had to prick my veins multiple times since i have shitty tiny blood vessels and they needed to get and IV in so i could have fluids (I was not eating or drinking and my mouth was super dry, which was not helping my health). By the time I was out, I had both inner elbows tapped, and both wrists tapped. (Which both hurt like a motherfucker). The IV line that “took” ended up being on the top of my right hand. I had a CAT scan to check my neck. It looked like an abscess that needed to be drained. On Thursday night, i had surgery to cut a small hole in the side of my neck to relieve the pressure and hopefully help clear out the infection.

First time going under the knife. Really interesting experience. I was speaking with the anesthesiologist about my concerns. I get severe motion sickness and I’ve heard that sometimes the anathesia will cause nausea and they assured me that everything would be fine. They have anti nausea meds they can add. And then they pumped it into my IV

And the last thing I remember is answering them saying the IV wasn’t hurting

Next thing I know, I was being woken up and told the procedure is over. Damn I wanted to do the whole “ count backwards from ten” before going under.

For all I know this happened but my brain decided not to put that short term memory into long term memory. Alas.

On the upside, I started to feel better immediately after. I was able to come home on Saturday afternoon and I slept better that night than i’d had in over a week. It was July 5th, the day after Independence Day.

Though it was bizarre watching fireworks out side the window of my hospital room the previous night, as I was still in the throes of pain from the surgery.

but now i’m anxious about insurance, which is the stupidest thing to be worried about. It’s ridiculous in America that we still have to worry about some future possible debt vs. trying one’s best to recover from a hospital stay.

America’s health care system sucks….

Also, at least I learned that opioids really FUCK ME UP.

I was given norco post-surgery (which is apparently hydrocodone and acetaminophen) and i basically had a panic attack while on it. i felt tetherless and floating and i hated not having something to ground me to reality. i could not feel *anything* except woozy and i hated it so much.

i know some people would adore being able to separate themselves from their pain and i know that’s who these meds are for but i guess my brain wants to feel something, even if it’s still pain, otherwise i don’t feel *real*. I don’t even know if that makes sense, but man, it was terrible and horrifying but i’m happy i experienced it weirdly so i don’t have to do that again

And then i heard from all the nurses saying basically “yeah that shit fucks you up lol”

Well then why did you give it to me???

Also thinking about how useless the 1-10 Pain Scale is for someone who has chronic pain. Like…i told the nurses at the hospital that my pain level was 3 and they didn’t hesitate to give me a dang opioid. But i’ve still stayed at work when i had a migraine at a pain level 7 and it was awful but i could still function?

And, yes, tolerance is completely subjective and i probably should’ve kept that in mind when using the Pain Scale and i know my own body more than the pros at the hospital, for some things

Like when i was woozy from the meds and the nurse kept telling me to look up and open my eyes bc the dizziness would just be worse if i had my eyes closed. My dude, if i lift my head too far back, i get dizzy spells and shutting my eyes is the best way to deal with dizziness for me….

Well, today at work sucked to epic proportions. For context, we usually have 3-4 people working the front, and today was only me and one other person until around 2 hours into my shift and I sort of hated it. It was also hilarious because I’d just gotten the good news that our department was actually the highest performing one in the region according to the metrics that the ocmpany has been using. It’s great. Everything is going forward as planned. But we have no people to work the front so i was exhausted and it wasn’t even half-way through my shift.

Like…it’s shit like this that makes me kind of not want to work. Not even working there, but I just don’t want to work. Period. I hate living in late-stage capitalism. I hate that health insurance in the US is tied into having a job. I hate having to deal with and be beholden to other people for money. It just sucks. And I know this is a stupid take but it’s absolutely true. I enjoy the things that money allows me to get of course but i just hate having to actively slowly kill myself in order to enjoy myself.

I hope tomorrow will be better but I don’t think so. And I know I could just as soon quit but i really don’t want to have to go through the stupidity of finding another job unless I absolutely have to. I’m just too tired and old to deal with it all. And now I will have to put on a brave face and not be so depressed and keep on going. Because the alternative is beyond stupid. But the state of the country is so poor, I’m just waiting for the day I get taken away somewhere. I can’t believe America is like that now. That if you’re not a rich white man, you might get punished for not being a rich white man. So I’m expecting that I will suffer even more in the next four years. But whatever. my heart has hardened to the point that I cannot be bothered. I will try to fight, but if not, then I will welcome death because sometimes this life is just so damn hard.

• cold mornings delight me because i tend to sleep better during them. My regular sleeping hours are usually 1:30am to 9am, but this morning i slept in until nearly 10. What’s weird is that I don’t relaly sleep in on my weekends. I suppose because i would just like to spend my weekends awake and not having to go to work.
• i haven’t suited up in kigurumi in a while. I think I’m just too tired to gather it all up and then climb into the suit, but then again i don’t have a reason to kig right now. i don’t have anything to show off. I’m waiting on new cosplay outfits but they won’t arrive for quite a while. Also they’re coming in from China so I’m really curious about how the tariff situation is going to affect the price. At this point in my life, I’ve stopped caring about how much things cost. I live comfortably. I don’t drink, don’t smoke, I’m not on expensive medications which require a lot of money. I don’t have kids and I don’t plan on it. And with the current situtation in the country, I’m just purchasing things that make me happy, because goodness knows nothing else will. But I think once the new cosplays arrive, i will suit up again
• I was pondering taking time off from work to attend Free Comic Book day at my local comics shop. I had planned to do that last year, but I ended up getting COVID and couldn’t go. But if I go to FCBD, I sort of wonder if I could bring my Nagisa kig outfit. It’s not an anime con, though. But I’m anxious to cosplay in public again. I miss it lol.

• Second day of my weekend is usually spent completely at home, so it was a nice day of me just being a homebody and not doing anything
• I had this weirdo idea earlier this morning that there should be Beatles kigurumi characters and I thought that was a little insane. My brain is a wild, wild place
• I played a lot of Genshin Impact today, but I don’t think I made a dent in the storyline, which makes sense because the game is like 5 years old. I’m starting to get attached to certain companion characters (Lisa) and now I want to make sure to build out these characters to the best of my ability
• I made avgolemono soup for the first time in the instant pot, with frozen chicken thighs (from Costco), and a bunch veggies and also a lot of lemon juice. Eggs make the broth surprisingly creamy, and delicious!
• trying to get my eyes more and more used to contacts every day. I don’t think I’ll ever wear them at work, but I’m getting more confident in using them
• I’m ready for the weather to get warmer now. I’m getting a little tired of the cold
• I’m really enjoying the new Daredevil series on Disney+. Matt is just having a horrible little life right now, it’s also hilarious that it’s Frank who has to shake him out of his ennui. Yeah the terrible person got to give the horrible person a pep talk lmao
• I’m anxiously waiting for my new cosplay to get finished and I’m beyond curious about whether it will get taxed because of the dang tariffs on China

and my brain is readying for going back to work tomorrow

• Today was the first day of my weekend so it’s traditionally errand day. Went to get a weekly lunch with J (at Moa, our fave Korean spot). I had my usual kalbi lunch special. I don’t know what it is about short ribs that makes them so delicious to me. Though I would like to say that the bit of meat around the bone is my favorite bit. That slight chew and slight fat and all the flavor factor just hits right.
• Then it was off to Oriental Food Market, where I can get my fix of Filipino food. I’m not a great cook, so I rely on Filipino aunties for this hit of nostalgia.
• Then Target, which, I know that there’s an active boycott but I also work at a corporation owned by Amazon and I’m not quitting any time soon because I like money, so I don’t think I could participate in a boycott in good faith.
• I started playing Genshin Impact in earnest today, got as far as the first confrontation with Stormterror. But I already can see the appeal in the diverse cast of characters. Not enough for me to want to cosplay them yet, but it’s getting close.
• There was a sharp jolt of an earthquake at around 7:45pm today. Just as I was still working on this post! Around 4 on the Richter scale apparently.
• J made corned beef and cabbage in the instant pot (in honor of St. Patrick’s Day), and unfortunately the meat was a little too tough. I think it didn’t run as long as it should have.
• My Hitori Gotoh (main character from the anime Bocchi the Rock) figure came in the mail today! I was concerned that there would be an additional tariff or tax because I was importing it directly from a Japanese store, but there was nothing extra to be paid.
• And that’s my day…so far lol

I think I need to update this more often lmao

Monday started with, of course, breakfast. We had checked into the Disneyland Hotel Sunday night, right in the middle of the Super Bowl halftime show. As it is my 50th birthday year, I have decided to splurge on a great many things and do what I want. The current political climate being what it is, who knows if/when a WOC like myself will be able to do what I want when I want it without much consequences.

So one of the things I really wanted to do is stay at the Disneyland Hotel. Jeff and I have previously stayed at the Paradise Pier Hotel (Now the Pixar Place Hotel) and the Grand Californian Hotel. We’d never done the original Disneyland resort hotel until now. And now that I’ve stayed at all 3, I think I definitely prefer the ambience of the original Disneyland Hotel over the other two. It hits the sweet spot between price, location, and amenities. Plus, the world class, world famous Disneyland hospitality from the cast members is a definite plus.

Anyway, I didn’t want to have to worry about food while staying there, so I opted for a club-level room, which means I pay a bit extra to have full access to all the food I want in the exclusive concierge lounge. The area is open all day, from 6:30am to 10pm, and there are all sorts of grab and go items available. Fresh fruit, cold drinks, sodas, even ice cream (the famous Mickey shaped ice cream bars). And around breakfast, lunch, and dinner time, there is a small selection of deli meats, cheeses, pastries, and all sorts of small goodies. It really took the stress out of trying to figure out food while trying to maximize our time at the parks. I’d say it’s definitely worth it.

We started Monday morning in the lounge before 9am. I am not a rope drop person. I will go to the park, hit the rides I want, not pay the extra for Lightning Lane, and be fine. We entered the parks right before 10am. In the span of a few hours we did:

Pirates of the Caribbean
Big Thunder Mountain Railroad
Indiana Jones Adventure
Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
Jungle Cruise
Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride

I’m not a complete fanatic. I don’t have to do every single ride in the park. I skip Haunted Mansion, Space Mountain, all the other Fantasyland rides. I just have the ones I want to do, plus some of my go-to snacks (like Dole Whip). So I didn’t mind it if I had to wait in a long line. I didn’t want to spend more on getting the “front of line” pass (Lightning Lane).

So my Disneyland day wasn’t even that stressful. I did make a reservation for a restaurant in DCA (the Lamplight Lounge) later that day, so we park-hopped over and enjoyed a nice meal. Lunar New Year is happening at the parks so there are a variety of Asian-inspired food items. I ordered the char siu pork chop, which was delicious. It came with a side of garlic noodles, which was nice (though I wish it had just a bit more of the fish sauce flavor) but the sauce that the pork chop came with was delicious and nicely spicy. I was only a bit disappointed that the famous lobster nachos are no longer available in the Lounge itself. you can only get those at the walk-up bar upstairs now.

We hit a couple more rides in the park (Buzz Lightyear and Runaway Railway) before calling it an early night…

Yes I understand the irony of having my blog domain say IRL when I’m wearing a mask all the time…