Me, In Real Life

Yes I understand the irony of having my blog domain say IRL when I’m wearing a mask all the time…

Every once in a while I remember that I have a WordPress blog lol

Bluesky seems to be the Twitter alternative I’ve been seeking. Decent number of users, lots of interaction, no Elon.

I tried Threads for a hot minute and while it’s fine, it does feel like an off-shoot of Instagram (which it basically is) and not exactly what I was looking for.

All I want is a reverse-chronological feed of updates and not have an algorithm shoving stuff I don’t want in my face. I loved Twitter best for tracking breaking news. Hopefully I chose well.

Although I’m still torn as to which domain I should use for my handle…

So I’ve been mostly radio silent for the past few days because I flew out to Hawaii. Yes, I’m visiting my mom (whom I haven’t seen since way before the pandemic, and the lockdown exacerbated this) and sort of spending my birthday week in the place of my youth.

It’s funny growing up here vs. being here as a tourist. I feel like I don’t belong in either group. I’m no longer a local (and some places I knew had either closed or moved elsewhere) but I have too much insider knowledge to be a tourist. I’m mostly hitting up old hangout spots (Ala Moana has changed DRASTICALLY since it was my mall as a teen) and also trying to avoid my Mom’s controlling nature, which is what caused me to leave Hawaii completely in the first place.

I don’t know if she is truly a narcissist parent, but she was always in charge of my life, and even when I tried to be more independent, she would always demand that I do whatever she says. Not angry, never angry. She only raised her voice to me a few times while I was growing up, and that was because I was being a rebellious little shit. And the frightening result of me being a rebellious little shit and those consequences made me not want to be a rebellious little shit anymore. It was physical, it was frightening, it was real, and it shook me to my very soul and afterwards, I never really trusted her ever again.

But then the rage I saw during that one single event, I realize I also seem to have sometimes. Gotta love family. It could be why I never had kids myself.

But we’re civil now. I call her weekly (when I remember and when I have time and when I feel I won’t be drained with her constant questioning). I’m here, in Hawaii, now, spending my birthday with her.

Families are complex and imperfect and I have too many emotions tangled up right now. I haven’t been here even a day and she asked me to move back home. I have a life in California. I have a job that I’m kinda proud of and people there who support me and I don’t want to leave that. My life is my own, not an extension of my mom’s, and I wish she’d understand that.

they really put it out there that you should be kinder to the earlier versions of you, the ones without as much experience, who still thought they knew everything about everything you should go on and hug that earlier version of yourself, be supportive and loving, because hindsight is 20/20 and while your present self has the gift of looking back, your past self is still dealing with the raw wounds instead of the fading scars

anyway

if what I’m hearing is right, and that RTD has said that the bi-generation means that every single previous incarnation of our favorite disaster alien now exists in the current timeline, that means that the Doctor is now able to reconnect with their companions. The hashing out of adventures as seen on Tales of the TARDIS happens, and it’s Gatwa!Doctor who gets to reel in the rewards of years of healing. “We’re Time Lords. We’re doing rehab out of order.” He said that. He really said that.

Which means that I really hope Whittaker!Doctor does get to discuss things AT LENGTH with Yaz. This Doctor constantly called her companions her fam, expressed wanting to be with Yaz, but still didn’t believe it would be possible because of past experiences with companions. It always turns out badly so why bother? The Doctor is now able to talk to their companions again, to deal with all that trauma and abandonment and hurt, and maybe come out of it, whole, with a brand new face, ready to go adventuring again.

It’s interesting how much “The Star Beast” taps into nostalgia. Beep the Meep was always kind of a deep cut character, the ones from the DW extended universe that some in-the-know folks would latch onto (like, say, Frobisher) but was too ridiculous to ever consider being a part of the regular series continuity. But the RTD era has always reveled in the ridiculousness of it all, and the new special just FELT like his era of Who. I mean, why shouldn’t it?

I went in knowing the original Star Beast story and wondering how Russell was going to play with it. The foundations were still there but I loved how it was layered with more modern sensibilities. It’s nice to see Doctor Who finally and unequivocally saying Trans Rights. It’s about damn time and we are all the better for it.

I can’t really brain because I’m still recovering from having to work 10 full days in a row (bc thanksgiving at a grocery store is hell) but i will say that I really enjoyed it for the most part. Some of the stuff is silly, of course but that’s an RTD trademark. I’m still not 100% sold in the whole “well now that the Doctor is male-presenting again he can’t understand that we can just release the Metacrisis thing” though. But it’s a minor nitpick.

I LOVED L-O-V-E-D the UNIT Science Advisor btw. I can’t recall her name and I’m sorry but it’s wonderful to see UNIT be a reliable ally for the Doctor again.

I only wish we could’ve seen Wilf.

I finally finished watching The Bear (the Hulu show about a broken chef who inherits his late broken brother’s broken restaurant and its broken staff and they’re all broken together and it’s exquisite) and man o man that show is so completely in my wheelhouse of Things Michelle Likes in Her Media except the kitchen stress is soooo relatable and I could only watch a couple of episodes at a time because otherwise I’d be thinking about work lol

Like there’s a scene where the restaurant begins using what is essentially Doordash and orders pop up for sandwiches that number in the dozens. It reminded me of how, when we first got Doordash at work, someone ordered 10 pizzas at one time and then we realized that there’s no default limit to the amount of items one could order on the app. We made sure to set the inventory on the app afterwards. That was just waaaaay too real.

Don’t order 20 sandwiches on Doordash just because you can. Jesus H. Christ. No place that’s on Doordash needs to become your own personal caterer.

Anyway watch The Bear and its beautifully broken cast and their attempts to not be so broken.

was minding my own business watching Beef on Netflix when suddenly there’s a scene where wayward and directionless Danny Cho (played by Steven Yeun) ends up at a church service and bursts into fucking tears and I HAVE NEVER FELT SO ATTACKED IN MY LIFE because I also experienced this exact thing when I was visiting my mom in Hawaii

She started going to this evangelical church affiliated with some mainland megachurch and she insisted i go to Sunday service with her and I (dutiful daughter) said yes. My brain was all over the place that morning. I was exhausted and my body never quite recovered from my jet lag. It was my last full day in Hawaii and I’d wanted to go to the beach on that Sunday but my mom wanted me to accompany her to church. Being the dutiful daughter, I said yes.

The combination of sleep deprivation, familial obligation, and the bizarre sense of belonging/not belonging made me break into tears. I was lonely but I only wanted to be left alone. I was exhausted. I was frustrated. I cried and the tears were misinterpreted by the pastor (again, similar to what Danny experienced in the show).

I stopped watching Beef for now because it was hitting way too close to home. I’ll probably pick it up later.